


can't sleep love

by writer



Category: Bleach
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Fairies, Fluff, Humor, I had way too much fun with this, Ichigo just wants to sleep
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-28
Updated: 2016-08-19
Packaged: 2018-07-18 19:58:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7328434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writer/pseuds/writer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For Ichiruki Month Day 14: I found you sleeping on my balcony when I went out to water my plants. Why are you here and more importantly how did you get here we’re eighteen floors up</p><p> </p><p>Rukia is a sleep fairy trying to impress her fairy king brother. Ichigo is a sleep-deprived medical resident who takes no bullshit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Ichigo’s alarm goes off at 6.30am sharp, blaring its shrill shriek. With a loud groan, he rolls over in bed and slaps a palm repeatedly over the screeching device until it shuts up.

_Fuck Mondays._

It takes him two minutes to roll out of bed and into the bathroom; another minute to stare bleakly at his reflection in the mirror before he finally wakes up enough to brush his teeth, pee and change. 

He’s pulling on his lab coat when he remembers that he hasn’t watered his plants in over a week now and sets out for the balcony. It’s a good thing he has time for things like this—he always wakes up two hours before he has to report to the hospital, since as a resident the hospital likes to work him to the bone and he needs some quiet time in the mornings before he has to deal with difficult patients and nurses alike. It means he doesn't sleep more than four hours a night, but it's fine. Probably. 

It’s as he approaches his balcony that he notices there’s a dark mass on the ground that isn’t just a shadow—did a large bird die on his balcony? He heard about that happening with Chad just last month. “Oh, fuck,” Ichigo mutters under his breath. He doesn’t have the energy to deal with dead birds right now. He approaches the door and slides it open—

—and lets out a short burst of a scream and stumbles back as he looks at the sprawled figure on his balcony. 

“Are you dead?” he whisper-screeches at the body on the floor. “Oh my god. I killed someone? Did I go Jekyll-Hyde on some poor soul? Oh my god.” He pats his pockets for his cell phone & sighs in relief when the bump greets him. Worse comes to worst, he can still call the police… (And what, turn himself in? His brain shrieks at him. Ichigo ignores it.)

He approaches the figure cautiously and pokes at it with his foot. It’s a person, small in stature, dwarfed by a thick black cloak. He doesn’t see blood, so at least there’s that. “Hey. Are you alive?”

Nothing.

He kicks at it again, a little harder this time.

The figure shifts, and groans, and the hood falls back just enough to reveal full lips, dark eyelashes contrasted with pale skin. Ichigo hurriedly takes a step back and grabs for his watering can, brandishing it like a weapon. 

“What the…” the person—girl, Ichigo’s mind supplies helpfully—mutters. She looks up and the hood falls completely from her head, revealing silky black tresses and startling purple eyes. That can’t be natural. Unless she’s wearing purple circle lenses. Oh god, is he dealing with a weeab—

“Where am I?” the girl asks in a soft, lilting voice, eyes narrowed at him like _he's_ at fault for this.

“More like who are you!” Ichigo shoots back, almost hysterically. “What the fuck are you doing on my balcony? How did you even get here? I’m eighteen floors up!” 

The girl frowns, and then sighs after a brief pause, rubbing at her head. “I see,” she mutters under her breath. “What a foolish act on my part. Nii-sama will be…” she stops herself, looks up at him through thick eyelashes, and blinks. “It’s a long story, but I’ll explain.”

 

-

 

“So let me get this straight,” Ichigo says, sitting across from the girl, who’s seated on the floor at his coffee table while he sits on his couch. She introduced herself as Rukia and sat down properly at the table before launching into her explanation, complete with terrible self-portraits and drawings of the different plane, though when he had said as much she had threatened to give him a concussion ("How're you going to do that? Gonna kick me in the shin? _Ow,_ you little midget _bitch_!"). “You’re a sleep fairy from another plane, and you were sent here to conduct your normal rounds of putting people to sleep, but then while trying to put _me_ to sleep, you accidentally blessed yourself and fell asleep on my balcony.”

“Exactly!” she looks pleased that he understood so quickly. He smiles brightly at her, teeth bared in a mockery of happiness.

He nods his head thoughtfully, hand on his chin. “Yes, yes, that makes perfect sense—“

He stands up abruptly and knocks over a cup of tea and some paperwork as he does so. “To an idiot, maybe!" he roars. She looks startled for a split second, eyes widening a little, before she schools her expression back into its mask of impassivity. "As if I’d believe that bullshit!” Ichigo hollers, pointing at her. “Tell me what the fuck you were doing on my balcony right now before I call the police!”

“I just told you!” she says angrily, standing up to her full height of maybe four feet nine. Her pretty eyes flash with anger, and her lips are pursed in frustration. He straightens for extra measure, and towers over her teeny figure, mouth pressed into a scowl.

“Listen,” Ichigo snarls. “I have to report to the hospital in—“ he checks his watch, “—fucking 15 minutes. Tell me how the fuck you managed to get yourself on the eighteenth floor and on my balcony in 5 minutes or I’ll call the police.”

“That won’t be necessary,” Rukia says coldly, fists clenching at her sides, and the next thing Ichigo knows is total darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> may or may not? continue? this? would there be an audience for this or?? if people are interested i’ll post it up i guess
> 
> kudos is ♥


	2. tell me, am I going crazy?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't even ask me about the bleach ending. as far as i'm concerned it didn't happen. :)
> 
> enough people on ao3 & other places left encouragement that i felt like this might be interesting to people who weren’t just me, so i sat down & started writing headcanons. i ended up with a monstrous 2k words of JUST PURE PLOT LAYOUT. AND i’m not even done yet. so needless to say, this is def going to be more than a few chapters like i so optimistically hoped in the beginning. again, this story is going to be just similar enough to the SS arc bc i think it’s fun to write crack-y versions of serious storylines, but i’ve changed up a lot just bc if i really pursue the SS arc & all the ideas bouncing around in my head i know this fic is gonna be 100k by the time i’m done

Ichigo regains consciousness slowly, waking up to various aches and pains in his body but a satisfying feeling of contentment, that well-slept feeling he hasn’t had in months. The evening sun is trickling in through his bedroom windows, orange-gold like autumn leaves, as he sits up, groggily rubbing at his eyes. He’d been asleep. So then, had all of that been a dream?

“Ah, you’re awake,” comes a voice from his left, and Ichigo yelps and almost falls off his bed at the sight of Rukia, sitting a few feet from his bedside, an old volume of _Katekyo Hitman Reborn!_ in hand. His heart beats loud in his ears and he registers with mounting horror that, no, what happened this morning was not a dream.

She observes him for a moment, then shoots him a pleased, smug little look. “I put a human to sleep!” Rukia says happily to herself, much the same way a child might exclaim _I got a new toy!_ “Nii-sama is going to be so proud of me. Oh, I can’t wait to tell him…”

“You what,” Ichigo says, slightly hysterically, sheets gripped tight in his hands as he scoots up and away from her until he smacks against his headboard with a hollow thunk.

Rukia pauses in her self-congratulation to scowl at him as if _he’s_ annoying _her_. “I put you to sleep, as sleep fairies are supposed to do, dummy,” she says, looking at him like he’s stupid. Ichigo ruffles indignantly, sitting up straighter as he opens his mouth to retort hotly.

“I told you, I don’t fucking believe y—FUCK,” Ichigo yells, startling Rukia. She shoots him a questioning look and opens her mouth, but he cuts over her before she can speak. “I missed work! I’m going to be so fucked!” He rolls over and scrambles for his cellphone, frantically trying to scroll through his contacts to find the resident who’s on night duty, wracking his brain for an excuse—sick? Family emergency? Saving children from burning buildings?

He pauses in his frantic scrolling when Rukia laughs. “Oh, that? Don’t worry about it.” She looks even more smug, if that’s possible, saying happily, “I took care of all that for you.”

Ichigo shoots her a dirty look. “How the hell did you do that? Don’t tell me you put everyone in the hospital to sleep. And how did you even know I worked there?”

“I went through all your stuff, obviously. Then I just made some stuff up. I bought the rest of the _Reborn!_ volumes online with your credit card, by the way. I really like it.”

He chokes. “You committed identity theft?”

Her face crinkles in distaste and infuriating superiority, the kind of expression one might imagine on people who pronounce foyer _fo-yeh_ and drink $300 wine. “I didn’t pretend to be you or anything. I just told anyone who asked that our relationship to each other is difficult to explain.”

Ichigo ignores the blatant innuendo behind the excuse, another part of himself crumbling and dying at the thought that not only will he lose his job, but also everyone is going to think he’s—he’s _dating_ this little monster, “You pretended we’re related somehow! You bought stuff under my name! That’s basically identity theft!”

She waves a careless hand, dismissing him as she rearranges the copy of _Reborn!_ on her lap. “Tomato, tomahto.”

“No one pronounces it like that!”

“Like what?” she asks innocently, eyelashes fluttering against high cheekbones.

Ichigo looks about ready to self-combust, eyes bulging as he stares at Rukia, a vein pulsing at his temple. _This bitch—!_

Her smug look at his increasingly angry face makes him pause for a second. He refuses to let her win this game or whatever it is they have between them.

_Deep breaths, Ichigo._

He flops back into bed with a sigh, giving up as his mind runs through all the various scenarios of Rukia fucking up his hard-earned street cred as an excellent medical resident, despite his rebellious appearance. She’d probably just put anyone who defied her to sleep! The same way she did to him! _And how am I supposed to explain to my credit card company that my identity has been stolen by a supernatural being?_ Oh, God. He’s going to lose his fellowship. There’s no fucking way Rukia managed to cover up for him, she’s a fucking _fairy_ , she probably fucked everything up the way she did him and his life is OVER, he’s going to end up on the streets homeless, Goat Chin will never let him hear the end of this and Yuzu is going to CRY—

He sits up on the bed and puts his head in his hands.

Rukia tilts her head to the side, looking concerned and vaguely alarmed now. “Ichigo? Are you alright?”

“You’ve ruined my life,” comes the muffled response from behind Ichigo’s hands. Rukia rolls her eyes, mutters drama queen under her breath, then leans back and picks up right back where she left off in the chapter of _Katekyo Hitman Reborn!_ They’re about to start battling for the title of Vongola Boss, and it’s got Rukia on the edge of her seat.

 

————————————————————————————————————————————————

 

The next morning, Ichigo stares blearily at his reflection in the mirror. He’s actually well-rested, thanks to a shouting match between himself and Rukia—he was trying to stay up late moping over his loss of income and watching reruns like usual when Rukia walked in and began lecturing him on when he should be sleeping, and when he should be getting up, and all the benefits of _good sleep hygiene, Ichigo, I’m a fucking sleep fairy you better listen to me_ —that ended in her dragging him kicking and screaming into his bed, forcibly tucking him in, and then swiftly knocking him out with a sleep spell.

“Ichigo, you’re going to be late for work,” Rukia calls out from what sounds like the kitchen, and Ichigo, straightening from his careful examination of his slowly-lightening under-eye bags, lets out a put-upon sigh.

“I’m not going to be late for anything,” he calls back sourly. “I have to go out and look for another fellowship.”

There’s a clatter in the kitchen, then the _thump-thump-thump_ of her feet as Rukia comes running up the stairs. She appears at the door of the bathroom, frowning, eyebrows furrowed. She’s dressed in a pair of old sweats and a T-shirt of his from five years ago, both articles hanging loosely on her small frame. “Why on earth would you do that?”

Ichigo turns to her with a scowl, before sighing again, resigned. “Look, it’s okay,” he says softly. “I can just apply for another fellowship. It’ll take a while, since I’ll have to make up an excuse for why I got let go from the other one, but I’ll find one eventually.”

“How many times do I have to tell you,” Rukia says exasperatedly, “I took care of everything already! You are not fired, so you need to report for work!”

“Rukia, you can’t just—“

“Oh yes I can!” Rukia says, voice rising as she throws her hands up in the air. She puts her hands to her face and massages at her temples for a few seconds before she regains her composure, face softening as she looks up at Ichigo through thick eyelashes. His breath catches a little. “Listen, Ichigo. If you got fired, then I will take full responsibility for you. I’ll even go out and get you another fellowship. But please—go report for work and see what they say first. Besides,” here, her smile becomes so irritatingly evil it sends a shiver down his spine, “If you don’t go, I’ll forward your browser history to everyone in your email contacts. And boy, is it interesting.”

“You bitch!” Ichigo squawks. She just smiles back at him, serenely unfazed.

A pause, then a put-upon sigh. “Fine, I’ll go,” he says, relenting. “But don’t say I didn’t tell you so.”

“That’s my line.”

 

————————————————————————————————————————

 

“Oh, Ichigo! Where were you? You’re a little late,” Mizuiro, the department secretary, said, looking up from his desk where he was arranging patient appointments on a joint online calendar. “Are you still feeling sick from yesterday?”

“What?” Ichigo says, taken aback. _I’m still employed?_

Mizuiro’s eyebrows furrow in concern, and he stops typing. “You were pretty sick last night, I heard. You sure don’t look too good, and I’ve never had to repeat myself for you before. Maybe you should go home early. A sick doc can’t take care of sick people.”

“No, no, I’m fine,” Ichigo says hastily.

Mizuiro gives him a Look, but then goes back to typing. “Well, if you say so.”

Ichigo is about to turn and go on his rounds when he runs smack into Orihime Inoue, another resident who sometimes takes shifts for Chad when he can’t come in. She’s dating Tatsuki, his childhood friend, if he recalls correctly. She’s always been kind of spacey.

“Oh, Kurosaki-kun!” she says pleasantly, brushing her white coat off as if nothing happened. “Are you feeling better?”

“Uh, Inoue, hi. Yes, I’m feeling much better.”

“Must’ve been something 24 hour then!” Inoue chirps. “I’m covering for Sado-kun today, it’s too bad he’s sick again, second day in a row! Did you bring Rukia-chan with you today?”

He looks startled. “No, I didn’t.”

“Oh, that’s disappointing,” she says sadly, eyes becoming a little dreamy. “I so love Rukia-chan! She’s so cute. You’re a very lucky man, Ichigo.”

“Um…thanks,” Ichigo says awkwardly, then politely excuses himself to go on his rounds.

 

————————————————————————————————————————

 

By the time he comes back, a small crowd has formed around the front desk. Inoue, Keigo, Mizuiro, hell, even Uryuu’s bitter ass is there. “What’s going on,” Ichigo says warily, not sure if he truly wants to know.

“Oh, Ichigo! Just in time!” Inoue turns around and sends him a beaming smile, stepping back to reveal—

Ichigo reels back in horror. Rukia smiles angelically at him, her lilac eyes promising death.

“Rukia,” he says, laughing nervously. “Fancy seeing…you here…”

“Of course, Ichigo!” Rukia says disgustingly affectionately, “Now that I know where you work, of course I’d want to come visit you! You were hiding your workplace from me for so long…It wasn’t because you were afraid I’d steal your job, was it?”

Keigo laughs heartily as Ichigo suppresses the urge to vomit at her sugary tone. “That’s true, Ichigo! She might actually be even better than you at your job!” Rukia blushes modestly and waves a hand as if to wave away his compliment.

“Why are you here?” Ichigo bursts out hotly, and Rukia feigns a hurt look. Inoue flinches and looks defensive on Rukia’s behalf. Keigo begins yowling about _being nice to Rukia-chan, you heathen!_

Innocently, she says, “Isn’t it normal for me to want to check up on you and see how you’re doing?” There’s a chorus of agreements as she looks up at him, eyes wide. Ichigo isn't falling for it.

“NOTHING about this is normal!” Ichigo says, voice rising. “What the hell is wrong with this hospital! Some random person can't just come and substitute for me when I'm sick!"

"How could you say that about Rukia-chan, Ichigo?! What's wrong with you?!"

“Oh, Kurosaki-kun, don’t be so shy! Rukia-chan did a great job yesterday! She’s just as good as you, really.”

"Wha-That doesn't matter! Why doesn’t anyone listen to me!”

“Shut up, Ichigo. You’re a terrible friend for not telling me you had such a beautiful girl for a partner.”

“As much as it pains me, I agree with Keigo, Ichigo. When were you going to tell us you had a wife?”

“M-Mi-Mizuiro! What do you mean ‘as much as it pains you’?!”

Ichigo splutters like a dying teakettle as his friends and colleagues crowd around him, bickering amongst each other while simultaneously managing to stare intently and accusingly at him. “A-A-A WIFE?! I don’t have one!”

Rukia coughs delicately into her fist.

“Oh,” Inoue exchanges a meaningful glance with Uryuu, who coughs, then says, “Uh...girlfriend then, sorry. We assumed you guys were already married. We—didn’t mean to make things awkward.”

_It’s too late for that!_ “What the fu—We’re not even dating!”

Inoue giggles. “It’s okay Kurosaki-kun, you totally don’t have to hide it from us!”

“I, as your best friend in the whole world, am hurt that you would keep this from me! It's useless to keep secrets from the Great Kei—ack!” Everyone slowly scoots away from Keigo, who's gripping his stomach as Mizuiro smiles benevolently down at him, fist still raised. Ichigo is about to have a breakdown, much to Rukia's amusement.

“I wasn’t keeping this from anyone!” Ichigo says hysterically.

“Oh, my,” Rukia says finally, saving him, and everyone stops to listen to her, eyes rapt with adoration and attention. This is so not fair. “Ichigo, you look so pale. I knew it was a good idea for me to come check up on you.” She looks disapproving. “You always go and overwork yourself. Maybe we should go home after all.”

Ichigo's jaw drops. "What—but I can't just—"

"Don't worry about it, Kurosaki-kun!" Inoue says cheerfully, smiling brightly at Rukia. "I can cover for you. Today's very slow anyway. Just get better soon!"

"Thank you so much, Inoue-san! You're so generous." Rukia bows deeply. "I'm so glad to know Ichigo is surrounded by such wonderful, caring colleagues—no, _friends_." Uryuu snorts a little, and Mizuiro elbows him sharply with a close-eyed smile. Uryuu falls to the floor, clutching his gut, though his writhing in pain is markedly less pronounced than that of Keigo, who appears to be doing the worm on the floor. Ichigo makes a note to never get on Mizuiro's bad side.

"Don't be so formal, Rukia-chan! We're friends now! Call me Orihime-chan, please!"

The sparkles being exchanged over the course of this conversation are just downright disgusting.

Rukia blushes again in that sickeningly sweet way. Ichigo feels bile coming up. "Oh, well if you insist." Inoue smiles enthusiastically.

“I—you—but—!” Ichigo blusters helplessly, as Rukia snags his wrist and drags him away from the crowd with a “Then please excuse us!” thrown back. Inoue waves politely at them as everyone else dissolves back into bickering.

“I hate my life,” Ichigo whimpers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kind of a lackluster chapter i suppose? it was surprisingly hard to write up by the end. next up, more of ichigo's colleagues + the kurosaki family's reaction to news about rukia!! p.s. a beta would be nice if anyone would? like? to do that?
> 
> as always, comments/kudos are ♥


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